Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
