I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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