Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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