you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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