my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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