I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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