woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
it's like heaven, but drunker
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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