I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
