Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She even gives head with a lisp.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
