I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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