loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
