the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
