Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
