I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
