Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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