This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
