paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Randomize
