two words: eviction party
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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