I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
