Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
