new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
