Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
