Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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