my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
