you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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