Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
