just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
