Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
