you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
