She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
