chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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