It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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