after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize