I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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