It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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