My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
