here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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