the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
