Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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