What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
