Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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