i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
