by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
