Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
