my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
