I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
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