Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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