I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
