I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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