i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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