she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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