i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
