Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
