Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
