I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize