She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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