i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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