I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
